I recently came home from a weeks holiday in Portugal with my family. Unfortunately, my husband couldn't make it so by the end of the week I was really looking forward to seeing him. I had created all these fabulous scenarios in my head about how things would be on my arrival: a huge bunch of flowers at the airport, a huge bunch of flowers at home, a sparkling clean house, candles, a cooked dinner and the fridge full of fresh food. I had only been gone a week but my romantic side told me a week warranted all of these things.
Of course, none of these happened. No flowers, no candles, no food. I knew this would be the reality as I had logically told my brain that he would have been flat out studying at college before undertaking two huge shifts at work prior to collecting me from the airport. He literally would have had no time to do any of the above. But for some reason, our (women's) brains tell us that against all the odds our little illusions may just come true.
So, what happens? Within two minutes of coming home I had checked all the rooms and the fridge and my mood turned quickly from 'I'm so happy to see you' to 'what have you been doing all week?'. My poor husband had no idea what had hit him. 'I did the washing' he pleaded. 'I know you don't like to come home from holiday with washing when there is lots still in the basket'. Unfortunately for him, I had already imagined the overflowing garments of clothing in the basket and had done all my washing on holiday, so his gesture was lost.
'I always make an effort to have the place looking lovely for YOUR return' I comment. 'Yes but I don't really care about that kind of stuff' he retaliates, 'you never have any cold beer in'. And so it goes on...
What I am trying to demonstrate here is our great expectations and how they lead to poor communication and therefore, arguments.
The things in life that I expect from my husband are not the same as what he expects from me. I'm talking about the little things here. So, I prepare our home for his return THE WAY I LIKE IT and visa versa. Now it seems clearer as to why such arguments occur. In order to get to a level of good communication it would surely make more sense just to tell him how I would like things to be. However, i would never dream of demanding such trivial acts off anyone. So, why then do I expect him to telepathically figure them out for himself?
This scenario needs a decision; can I just let it go and recognise our differences or is it going to drive me mad if I don't demand the things I need? I can let it go...
However, there will be times in life when expectations need to be discussed to avoid disappointment and resentment. I have been doing some work with a client who comes home from holidaying with her partner constantly frustrated and with an overwhelming feeling she has been let down.
'I had built the holiday up to be something wonderful before we left. I had expected us to go for walks most days and dine in lovely places. I was looking forward to it but none of that stuff seemed to happen.' I think what people tend to forget when mentally planning out holidays is that the activities can be planned for but the emotional side can only come in the moment. We think about holidays being 'wildly romantic' but can we plan to feel these things before we even get on the plane?
Also, many people think about nothing but their holiday on the lead up to it but rarely discuss their thoughts with their partners. SO, like my client, they get home having done none of the things on their mental list because it simply wasn't talked about. Had she said before she went that she had some ideas, there would be no reason why some if not all couldn't have happened. And why didn't she say? For exactly the same reasons as my scenario above. She EXPECTED her partner to want the same as her.
So, the moral of the story is - don't let your great expectations get the better of you. Discuss them with the person involved if you want them to become a reality. But also appreciate that you are unique and these visions of perfection may not match those of the people around you.
