Banish those Post Christmas Blues

We make new year's resolutions for all kinds of reasons; the start of a new year feels significant and should be marked with new guidelines and guidance, we feel let down by our efforts last year or simply that everyone else is making them and we feel obliged.

Whatever the reasons, it is highly likely that come February the 1st you will either have forgotten your pledge to yourself or have simply crumbled under the constant pressure of life. This leaves us feeling defeated, deflated and disappointed in ourselves. This is no way to banish those post Christmas blues.

We spend hours thinking of the 'ideal' gift to give, we write lists of who we must buy for, we write hundreds of cards needing hundreds of stamps, we go crazy stocking our cupboards with 'nibbly bits' and quirky drinking atire that we don't need and probably won't use. We invite people over for 'festive cheer' and spend more time with the family. We put lights up, we put trees up, we cover our lives in tinsel and a permanent smile. We dress up and go out and socialise with those we would never dream of socialising with in a million years but you do it because it is Christmas and anything goes at this time. We sing songs and eat cake and drink more than we like to. We stay up late and get up early and light the fire.

Then suddenly, we realise the gifts have all been opened, the food has been scoffed, the fire has gone out, the family have left and the tree needs to come down. Our lives which have been hanging at the top of the log flume in excitement for the last few months, have now reached the bottom when we realise we are wet and cold and the thrill is over. Then to top it all off, the credit card bill arrives through the post.

It is little wonder at this time, we choose to make some better choices for ourselves; no alchohol for the month of January, loose that stone you just put on eating turkey and chocolates, start going to the gym, stop going to the pub, pay off that debt. Why is it then, we find it almost impossible to stick to it?

'United Unique' (a partnership of 4 professionally trained life coaches) bring you the answer and just in the nick of time. They are hosting a 3 hour 'Mastering Your Future' workshop in Glasgow, Kelvingrove Museum Saturday 16th January 2010, 10am-1pm.

Their workshop is to help people understand what they really want from their future and how to make inspiring goals to keep them on track to achieve. Learn how to alter what you want in a way that excites and invigorates you everytime you think about it. Find the tools you need to grow your confidence in any situation so you can start this year with a bang. Understand your emotional side and get to know who you are so you can know how best to move forward. Learn positive ways to deal with your negative chatterbox and boost your ego with their positive self talk session.

All this for £35. You can book through their website at www.unitedunique.co.uk by sending the booking form via email to unitedunique4@gmail.com

If you think you want things to be different this year then this workshop is for you. Take control of your future, understand you mind, explore your emotions and get set for the best year of your life. You wont need mince pies and baubles to get you back to the top of that log flume. Just a zest for life and hunger to succeed.

Gift Vouchers out now!

Ever thought that someone you care about would benefit from Life Coaching but think they're unlikely to take the first step?

Looking for a fabulous gift idea for a birthday, anniversary, Christmas or just because you care?

This may be the solution.

I have lots of phone calls from concerned Mothers, Sisters, Partners and Friends. They understand the concept of coaching and feel their loved ones would gain a lot from sessions. However, 9 times out of 10 their loved ones are too unsure to make the commitment.

What if its not right for me? What if I don't like the process? What if after a session I need time to think before booking more?

With the coaching gift voucher, you are giving your loved ones the opportunity to meet a coach, discuss their concerns, create an exciting goal for their future and begin to make plans. There is no pressure to book more sessions.

Give it a try.

Story of the week

http://www.inspirationalstories.com/1/109.html

Chilling out

I am on holiday in the Highlands until Monday 26th October. See you on my return!

Song of the Day

My wonderful husband left this ready to play on our computer for me one morning. I had forgotten how good the lyrics were. Have a listen and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Great Expectations

I recently came home from a weeks holiday in Portugal with my family. Unfortunately, my husband couldn't make it so by the end of the week I was really looking forward to seeing him. I had created all these fabulous scenarios in my head about how things would be on my arrival: a huge bunch of flowers at the airport, a huge bunch of flowers at home, a sparkling clean house, candles, a cooked dinner and the fridge full of fresh food. I had only been gone a week but my romantic side told me a week warranted all of these things.

Of course, none of these happened. No flowers, no candles, no food. I knew this would be the reality as I had logically told my brain that he would have been flat out studying at college before undertaking two huge shifts at work prior to collecting me from the airport. He literally would have had no time to do any of the above. But for some reason, our (women's) brains tell us that against all the odds our little illusions may just come true.

So, what happens? Within two minutes of coming home I had checked all the rooms and the fridge and my mood turned quickly from 'I'm so happy to see you' to 'what have you been doing all week?'. My poor husband had no idea what had hit him. 'I did the washing' he pleaded. 'I know you don't like to come home from holiday with washing when there is lots still in the basket'. Unfortunately for him, I had already imagined the overflowing garments of clothing in the basket and had done all my washing on holiday, so his gesture was lost.

'I always make an effort to have the place looking lovely for YOUR return' I comment. 'Yes but I don't really care about that kind of stuff' he retaliates, 'you never have any cold beer in'. And so it goes on...

What I am trying to demonstrate here is our great expectations and how they lead to poor communication and therefore, arguments.

The things in life that I expect from my husband are not the same as what he expects from me. I'm talking about the little things here. So, I prepare our home for his return THE WAY I LIKE IT and visa versa. Now it seems clearer as to why such arguments occur. In order to get to a level of good communication it would surely make more sense just to tell him how I would like things to be. However, i would never dream of demanding such trivial acts off anyone. So, why then do I expect him to telepathically figure them out for himself?

This scenario needs a decision; can I just let it go and recognise our differences or is it going to drive me mad if I don't demand the things I need? I can let it go...

However, there will be times in life when expectations need to be discussed to avoid disappointment and resentment. I have been doing some work with a client who comes home from holidaying with her partner constantly frustrated and with an overwhelming feeling she has been let down.

'I had built the holiday up to be something wonderful before we left. I had expected us to go for walks most days and dine in lovely places. I was looking forward to it but none of that stuff seemed to happen.' I think what people tend to forget when mentally planning out holidays is that the activities can be planned for but the emotional side can only come in the moment. We think about holidays being 'wildly romantic' but can we plan to feel these things before we even get on the plane?

Also, many people think about nothing but their holiday on the lead up to it but rarely discuss their thoughts with their partners. SO, like my client, they get home having done none of the things on their mental list because it simply wasn't talked about. Had she said before she went that she had some ideas, there would be no reason why some if not all couldn't have happened. And why didn't she say? For exactly the same reasons as my scenario above. She EXPECTED her partner to want the same as her.

So, the moral of the story is - don't let your great expectations get the better of you. Discuss them with the person involved if you want them to become a reality. But also appreciate that you are unique and these visions of perfection may not match those of the people around you.

Making plans in the recession

I have recently been asked by a couple of journalists for my opinion on coaching's place during the recession. It is an interesting subject particularly due to the fact that many life coaches are in fact experiencing a boom during these months. This is a time where people feel lost, out of control and stressed about their futures. So, it is the perfect time to see a coach.

The last querie I had was whether or not I had worked with clients who had lost their jobs and had hugely positive, life changing experiences through coaching. No, was the quick answer. More interestingly than that however, was the fact that those who I was predominantly working with were people in relatively secure jobs. Those who, out of everyone, need not have been as concerned. What the recession has done, is left everyone keen to make a Plan B. From day to day, people don't think about their future as much as I would encourage. It's only when things become unsettled that people plan alternative routes.

So, everyone is taking stalk of what they are doing and there is a huge shift in those in good jobs making the bold decision that they want something else, something different, something more 'me'. I am talking about people in secure office jobs making good money wanting to do things much more creative and hands on, antisocial hours and with much less pay. People are prepared to risk it in order to be happy. I believe this is due to fear that has come with the recession. There is also a surge of my clients who now want to retrain in their new desired field.

And by understanding what it is they want, they very quickly decide to make it Plan A.

Let the weather be on your side

I find it fascinating and amusing that during certain weathers people can be so miserable. Now, I am not doubting that there are a few people out there who genuinely suffer from S.A.D. - seasonal affective disorder. But the rest of us? We just like a good moan.

I am often faced with gaping mouths and startled expressions when I meet someone amidst a downpour and reply to their 'This weather, aye!' with 'I know, its great isn't it?'. I can hear their minds desperately trying to seek out the 'greatness' in the desperate situation. But it is in fact not a desperate situation at all. Is it? I like to find the positives in all areas of life in order to remain happy and upbeat. The rain to me says; we have fertile grounds to grow an array of food, we are not likely to have huge water shortages, its a great time for jogging and how much fun little children can have in their wellies. We have been blessed with waterproof skin and unless the rain turns into acid, I don't see much of an ordeal.

Billy Connolly once said 'There is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing. So, get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little'.

Brilliant.

Might it in fact be, that we are not angry with the weather itself but angry at ourselves for being unprepared? Would it seem as bad had we packed that brolly? Or had an alternative 'wet weather' activity up our sleeve?

As I lay thinking about my next blog entry, the 'heavens opened' (what a frightening expression for something so harmless). I could have grunted and snorted about the injustice of it all. Instead, I shut my eyes and let the pitter-patter on the window soothe and relax me with its rhythmic sounds. As I sat on the bus on my way to a client, I witnessed two ladies pushing buggies in t shirts getting soaked through but barely able to walk with their laughter at the hilarious scene they found themselves in. I laughed too and then some others on the bus joined me. Me thinking; I wish I was out there with them, the others probably thinking how lucky they were to be dry.

So, stop yourself the next time you're about to complain about the weather. Stomp in those puddles like you don't care, have an electrical storm party and throw leaves into the wind just because you can.

Lighten up folks, it'll do you the world of good.

Book suggestion

Hello!

I was recommended a book on Saturday which I bought today and read in one sitting. It's 'Peaks and Valleys' by Spencer Johnson and is a lovely, inspirational read.

It helps us better understand how to deal with our Valleys and how to appreciate our Peaks. I will do my best to stick to its philosophy which is wonderfully simple yet effective for every situation and scenario.

It is written as a little story which makes an easy read so great for those tedious bus journeys. Put your commute to good use and get this book.

Know your direction

I love this.

'Would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to ' said the cat.
'I don't much care where...' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the cat.

Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

New experiences

Have you ever had an evening off where you fancied something other than a night on the sofa watching Eastenders? Maybe you had an entirely free weekend that you wanted to pack full of fun and exciting things? What did you end up doing?

I am all too familiar with the dilemma of doing the same old things time and time again. If it is raining then the list is always shopping or the cinema and as my husband doesn't like the sound of others munching on copious amounts of popcorn, shopping it is. But for those times when it is nearing the end of the month and that is out the question too, racking our brains for new experiences can prove a challenge. This blast of hot weather hasn't helped matters either. We are not used to having the sunshine on our side. What can you do in the sun? Picnic, beach, hillwalk. These are the same three that appear on the short list around the same time of year. I want something new, something different.

For those looking to add new things to their tired lists and tick off the wonderfully amazing things achieved up to this stage, check out http://www.diddit.com


From eating new foods to staying somewhere out of this world, this website will never leave you stuck for ideas.

New experiences keep you mentally active which is always good for the soul.

Running for my life

So, I wake up today feeling a little stiff but with a big smile on my face. I did the Race for Life yesterday. For anyone who hasn't either participated or spectated, it is a wonderful event. It kicks off around 10am with inspirational stories from survivors of different cancers. They each remind you what this event is for and how important all the sponsorship is for research purposes. Then there are clips shown on a huge screen of stories of those who didn't make it. Because everyone is facing the same way, you get the opportunity to read people's dedications pinned to their backs. I run this race for.... and a sea of different names, each a stranger to you yet each poignant in their own right. Everyone is there for the same reason and not many can say they didn't have a lump in their throat at one stage of the morning.

Just before the race began, a giant warm up took place and this really got people siked up to go. Being piped up to the start line felt like being part of something special and when the horn blasted to announce we were off, I was giddy as a kipper.

Myself and my sister were a little way back and so it took us a few minutes to actually get over the start line. We were amidst thousands of ladies all in pink and that alone was incentive to keep jogging as long as I could. Unfortunately, I had thought the race was going around the other direction of Arthurs Seat, this was what I had practiced, so was really concerned when everyone ran in the other direction. That meant the steep bit of hill to begin. It was a gentle running pace though as there were just so many people. And quite quickly people began slowing down and walking. I kept going with my sister saying constantly 'we're nearly there' 'you've nearly made it to the top'. And I did make it to the top without stopping. I was so red and so hot but I had never imagined being able to do it. So, only another 4km to go. Back on the flat I had the chance to catch my breath again and was pleased about overtaking a good few people. Not that I was trying to get a good time - I don't even know what a good time is. I just wanted to jog all the way if I could. A couple of moments around the top just caught me out and I had to slow it down to catch my breath. My sister was fantastic though, distracting me with stories of things I can't even remember now and telling me to keep going. As soon as we had come to the downhill I knew I had done it. By the finish line I had nothing left in me and my sister tried to make me sprint which I could only do for three seconds. I was exhausted.

That was the biggest achievement for me. I realise it isn't far but for me, who four months ago had never jogged at all, it is huge. I am now planning my next run and racking my brains for something else I can't do that by Christmas I will.

The photo of me shows just how knackered I was at the end and it isn't very flattering but I really don't care a jot as when I look at the picture I think 'you did it, well done you'.

Pre match nerves!

Yes, we have all heard the expression. However, I am not talking about football. I am currently experiencing pre-match nerves for this coming Sunday. This Sunday is Race for Life day. This Sunday is what I have been training for, for the last 12 weeks or so. I am now VERY nervous about this Sunday.

Those of you who religiously follow my blog (thank you!) will know that I signed up for the race for life as a bit of a challenge to myself. I don't do running - or certainly didn't. But it seemed that everyone around me and everyone I spoke to this year was going to complete some kind of race. I, doing what I always do, laughed it off saying that was good for them but I couldn't possibly do it myself. My body isn't built for running. Then I stopped and reminded myself I am a Life Coach and should take some of my own advice. Was it really impossible or was I just talking myself out of it due to fear? Yes, I was definitely fearful. I was currently reading 'Feel the fear and do it Anyway', how apt I thought. So, without further hesitation I signed up. I also pledged this in the article in the Evening News when they interviewed me for 10 questions. There was no way out.

I stuck to the programme in the 'Running made Easy' book. It began with walking three minutes and jogging for one, four times. Even this was a bit of a struggle at the start. I am fit and healthy. I love going to the gym and walking but jogging was a very different discipline. I did this three times a week. It built up every week. Now, I am going out and jogging for half an hour. This is very hard for me and requires a lot of stamina. I am always purple on my return but feel amazing. However, I have never yet been able to jog the full 5k all in one yet. Not only is this a problem but I really struggle on the uphill. Those of you who are familiar with the Race for Life in Edinburgh will know it is up Arthur's Seat. I feel ill just thinking about it.

I am aware that when there is a big crowd I will be more inclined to keep running and that I don't actually have to run all the way round. However, it would be a huge achievement for me if I could. It all seems to have come a round too quickly.

I will let you know how this goes. Meantime, any hints and tips on stamina or jogging uphill would be greatly appreciated.

Watch this space. x

Banishing those wedding blues

Wedding blues? What can you possibly mean, Kelly? Surely getting married is one of the greatest times of your life. How can you be feeling anything but joy over it? If you are asking these questions right now, you are either not married or have long since forgotten the period immediately after your wedding day. It is not the wedding or marriage you are feeling blue about it is the space, the hiatus that happens in the follow weeks.

But why is this and what can you do about it?

Preparing for a wedding can be one of the most intense and stressful periods of someone's life. Trying to cater to everyone's needs, making sure those who need to be involved are and those who shouldn't are not and making hundreds of decisions about things you know nothing about. The longer the engagement the worse it can be as it consumes your every thought for such a large part of your life. Things start getting put off until 'after the wedding'. Hobbies, friends and family can be pushed into the background without you even being aware of it at the time.

I remember thinking I was rather chilled out during our wedding preparations. I probably was in comparison to some and we had a short engagement. But 8 months was long enough for what I could handle. And looking back, I can see that I had turned into someone I barely recognise now. I was snapping at those who care about me most, the wedding was called off at least twice due to stress and we handled some aspects uncharacteristically poorly. This was not the glorious time I first thought. But I had become so used to the way I was during this time that I began to view it as the norm.

I got to the stage where everything I wanted to do was going to happen 'once the wedding was over'. It was as if the wedding had become this dreadful thing that was becoming some kind of hindrance to life itself. I was exhausted and desperate for our honeymoon. However, the first day there, I was left feeling some kind of obscure grief. I didn't want to talk about it as it felt ridiculous. How dare I feel like this when I had just had the most amazing day and was on my honeymoon! But I couldn't shake the feeling no matter what I told myself. It got a little worse as we returned to our flat. I felt agitated, restless... at a loose end. That's when I hit the nail on the head. I had been living this life of 'someone who was getting married' and lost sight of who I was without the wedding. So, inevitably when the wedding was over I was lost. What was I supposed to do with my evenings now? And weekends were empty without the need to go to the venue for those final preparations. What did I used to do?

So, how can this be prevented? I think in the first instance it is important to be aware of this wedding blues notion if you are going through this process. It is very common. Secondly, should you experience it you should be open about it rather than being embarrassed or ashamed of it. There is logic behind what is happening. Finally, if you can take steps throughout the build up to the wedding to make things easier 'at the other side' then do. Try to have evenings with friends where you don't talk about the wedding. Prep them beforehand as they will ask otherwise. This way the conversation can be about your other friends and you can keep on track with their lives. A major factor in the aftermath of a wedding is the realisation you have no idea what your friends are up to and what their concerns are. It can then feel awkward getting involved as you don't want to portray the 'now my wedding is over we can be mates again'. Make sure you continue at least one of your hobbies or interests. This can be difficult as planning a wedding is time consuming. However, the big problem with stopping everything is getting started again. We all know its easy to get to the gym when we're already going twice a week but once a week or two has gone by without going, it gets harder to muster up the motivation. Try to continue having dates with your husband/wife to be that don't involve wedding stuff. Otherwise you will have this sense that your relationship has changed. You may panic about things not being fun anymore. So, keep things fun by going somewhere new or doing something different. Keep it fresh.

And try to enjoy the process as much as you can. Assign someone you trust to keep you grounded. Make a contract with them that allows them to tell you how you are truly behaving. They should help you become aware if the stress is overpowering the pleasure and it is their responsibility to remind you why you are doing what you are doing. Put messages around your house that make you smile and remind you how excited you are about your wedding as well as reminders of who you are without the wedding.

Think of another project to get your teeth stuck into once the big day is done. Preparing for a wedding is a huge project. I knew nothing about how to plan for one so most of my time was poured into researching what I needed to consider, who I needed to contact and when. It is a massive learning curve and takes up lots of energy. So, it is vital that the energy created is transferred to the next big thing. It can be anything from learning a new language to making a business plan. Be creative. It needs to be something that excites you as much as the wedding day did when you got engaged.

Take care of yourself during this time and make sure you are aware of these issues if you have people around you going through this process. Be sensitive to their needs and help them/yourself begin your marriage with a positive mental attitude.

Being married is amazing, lets keep it that way!

My new favourite feel good song

You know the kind; you can't help but smile when you hear it.  Your toes tap, your mood lightens, it just speaks to you on a really happy level.  

Mine is Paulo Nutini's 'Pencil Full of Lead'.  I love his work anyway.  I love his voice and I love the fact he is so young yet so talented.   But the words are wonderful and the sound just makes me a bit giddy.

Give it a listen.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mC_3FvA5x58

I hope you feel a little jollier.  :)

Blog of the week

Have a peek at www.thinkbuddha.org  which was recently in Psychologies magazine.  There are some wonderful pieces of writings, thoughts and observations.  

Enjoy

Act how you want to feel

Now that the sun is shining, more of us are waking up to the suns rays with a smile on our face.  Vitamin D obviously effects the way we feel.  But what about those mornings you wake up and just aren't 'up for it'.  We've all had them. 

 There has been research which shows that we can trick our brain into different emotions using our bodies.  If we act angry/sad/excited using appropriate body language and facial expressions, we re-ignite this emotion and begin feeling it mentally too. 

 Try it for yourself.  When bored on a bus - smile.  When your feeling low and body conscious, sit up straight with your head high.  When you are sad, think of a pleasant memory.  Use anything you can to change your mood for the better.  Really notice what is around you.

I've just been passed by a giant teacup!  I know it is for a party for children as my husband is working at it today.  I'm presuming it was a ride of some sort.  So, I could quite have easily dismissed it and continued with my day. I had just missed two buses standing at the bus stop with my head down writing ideas for this blog so I could have been angry with myself for the rest of the day. However, I chose to let myself giggle about the whole affair as it was quite ridiculous.  I'm now still smiling about it as I write.  

Slow it down

I have always advocated taking things easier and slower. This way, not only are we able to enjoy all the pleasures of life as they happen but we tend to get more done in the long run anyway.

I discovered this when I was undertaking my own coaching journey over a year ago. At the beginning of the process I was running around feeling overworked, under appreciated and stressed. I pride myself with the ability to multi task. However, I was trying to achieve many things all at once without actually following through with many of them. On a fortnightly basis, I was to think of creative actions to help me destress and feel positive and excited about my future. It was important I kept my list to only a few actions otherwise I would feel anxious before I even began. And miraculously, each fortnight on checking in with my coach I had over achieved on every count. For each action, I had performed another two or three actions on the back of the original. I felt wonderful. I felt in control. I felt like I had much more time on my hands.

So, I was very pleased when I opened this months issue of Zest magazine and found that the editor's letter was just about this. They have also pointed me to the 'slow movement' which promotes a slower way of living.
Check out http://www.slowmovement.com/ and read the section on slow life.

Try it for yourself. Enjoy

The balance of Life

I am always surprised when clients come to me with 'loads of issue' needing resolved. On meeting them there is a real sense of panic and low mood.

On giving them 'the wheel of life' to look at and discuss with me (this sections off all areas of their life) they very quickly realise that whilst there are a few areas needing care and attention, there are also some areas that need none. These are the areas of positivity yet very few clients think about this prior to coaching. The reason being, that these areas need little or no thought as they are working nicely already; so no or little thought is given to them. However, this can create this feeling of doom and gloom as they are only thinking of the areas needing looked at. It can seem like life in general is bad. On closer observation, it is rarely the case and clients often feel uplifted on this realisation.

So, the next time you think everything is terrible in your 'life', consider the whole of your life and note the good stuff too as there is bound to be at least a couple of things working out for you already. And the other stuff can be worked on.

Anything is possible

Another fine example of people doing the unthinkable just because of the thrill...



I love this clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19zFlPah-o

The thing about relationships....

I have a very good friend who was round a week or so ago for a catch up. Little wine was involved, yet somehow we managed to dip into some deep philosophical conversation about life and relationships.

I was discussing a chapter in a book I am reading about not expecting things to last. I know this sounds negative but I believe it is quite the contrary. You are not expecting it NOT to last. You simply have no expectations at all. This way if it doesn't, you are not disappointed. If it does, fantastic! You stop living your life in fear of things coming to an end and can enjoy things for what they are in that given moment.

My friend began then to talk about this being applied to relationships. She rather beautifully (I wish I could remember exact words) said that she does not need her current relationship to work. This may sound startling but keep with me. She knows that should it come to an end, she will be able to cope with the situation. Its not that she NEEDS to be in the relationship (this becomes too controlling) but she WANTS to be in it. Thus making each day count, making every moment special and truly appreciating one another. It is being in this very relationship that gives her strength to be her own person and cope in the event of it ending. And ironically, it is this kind of insight that is likely to keep them together 'forever'.

A brief comparison with her previous relationship pinpointed the fatal flaws. She had stopped WANTING to be in the relationship a long time before it ended but the relationship had zapped her of the strength to know it would be okay to be on her own. She felt she NEEDED to remain as a couple.

So, lets always appreciate what we have at that moment in time and not project too much emphasis on the future and how long things will last. This should make for happier people. :)

Find perspective, find a hero.

I have been enjoying Sue Jeffers book 'Embracing Uncertainty'. There are bits I don't agree with but the majority of her writing really hits a chord with me.

I have just read a chapter about finding heros. The thinking being that we can continue to be inspired by others around us. We can feed off their strength through tragic situations. We can gain some sense of perspective on our own lives and worries. Finding heros can help uplift us and help us feel anything is possible.

So, I thought about finding my own hero. I remember my dad reading out a story from the local newspaper about a woman who was paralysed after a rock climbing accident. Her life pre-accident was one of adventure. She made (through great strength) her life after even more exciting/challenging/inspiring than anyone can ever imagine.

http://www.karendarke.com/
http://www.jolttrust.org.uk/inspirational_people.shtml

I hope this has inspired you to find your own hero.

New Blog website

I am excited to announce the new layout for my blog! I have been getting continually frustrated with my old one. I never really liked the look of it. This one fits better with my website www.lustforlifecoaching.com
I have transferred all old posts onto this one incase you have missed a couple. This is why there is a long list of posts on the same date.
Hope you continue to enjoy. Feel free to follow/comment.

You can if you think you can

I know this title sounds a little 'hippyish'. I'm okay with that, if in theory it works. I definitely advocate thinking positively to clients and those around me. This has got me far in life. I also believe that you can choose how to react to certain events and situations, what mood you are in when you get up. Think about it; you wake up neutral and then take on a mood. So surely this is instigated by yourself.

Anyway, I have struggled in my time with positive affirmations. Strange you may think for a life coach. But can saying something positive about yourself as if it is already happening really help? And does it need to be out loud? I think its the out loud part that got me.

However, I have recently started to jog. I have never before been interested in jogging. It looks dull. I'd rather go to the gym. But this year I have been getting sick urges to break into a sprint rather randomly. So, I pledged in a newspaper article about myself that I would complete a race this year. Committing publicly means I have to do it. I signed up to do the 5k - small steps I thought. Now, I go out with a couple of friends on a Saturday and twice on my own in the week. I am very nearly enjoying it. I think the pleasure is in the fact I am doing something I never thought I would or could.

But my story doesn't end there. I have been finding it very difficult to get motivated this week. Going out on my own is difficult and it almost takes me longer to get geared up to go as it does to actually jog when I finally make it out. Having put my running gear on and ventured out with my stop clock at hand, i trudged along the cycle path. Half way through my training programme I felt tired and heavy as I thumped on the grass. My chatterbox in my head clicked into action telling me 'you're no good at running, look at the state of you all red faced and heavy footed. You'll never make it to the end.' I on the otherhand knew that I could as I had done before. I also knew that whilst I may not be good at it now, I was making an effort which was surely better than not even trying. I then thought I'd try some positive affirmations. I racked my brains to think about what would help at this time. Then as I ran, I began repeating in my head (not out loud) 'I am light and powerful'. Amazingly, this worked wonders and I began bouncing with ease. I completed my training without anymore trouble.

Try it for yourself when you feel something is getting difficult or you feel your mood changing for the worse.

Edinburgh Evening News

This article was in the Evening News 12th February 2009.


http://news.scotsman.com/tenquestions/Ten-Questions-Personal-life-coach.4972829.jp

Quote of the day

Ships in harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
John Shedd

Website of the day

This website is a fantastic idea.

www.futureme.org

Basically, you email yourself in the future. SO, decide what you want to tell yourself; maybe ask a questions or guess what you might be up to at the time and choose how long away you want it to be sent.I like to send one to myself every six months with motivational quotes.

Try it for yourself.Enjoy!

Changing vocabulary

I recently met up with a good friend of mine. We don't meet up often but when we do we pick up where we left off. Its never awkward. Neither of us feel bad about being 'bad' friends and being terrible at keeping in touch. As far as we are concerned, we do keep in touch. Just not very regularly. We say what needs to be said and part company not knowing when we're next going to see each other. We make no pretense that it will be soon. I would never call him up for a long heart felt chat. Neither would I email him my news. Yet I know we will probably keep seeing each other sporadically for years. Possibly longer than some other friends because of the way we conduct our relationship. I never feel guilty about the length of time it has been since our last meeting. It is an easy friendship to sustain.

We all have friends that serve different purposes. This is important. I have people I would call in a crisis and people I will get in touch with if I need a bit of mad fun. I have the people I go to the pub with and those I meet in cafes. I have people to 'get deep' with and those who I really don't know at all but I can escape with nonsense chat about cartoons. None of them mean any more or less to me. They are all important.

However, I can catch myself saying things like 'I must get in touch with....' and 'I have to go meet...'. I discussed this with my friend recently and he gets agitated when he hears people say this. 'You don't HAVE to do anything' was his reply. He was right. I am making a conscious effort to change the words I use. How much more positive is it to say 'I can't wait to speak to....' and 'I want to meet....' If I do find myself saying I HAVE to meet someone then I will look at the situation and decide what the negative thoughts are around this and deal with them either on my own or with the person in question.

Its like Christmas. I often hear people say 'I have to....' I went away this Christmas on holiday. It was great. I got some well deserved rest and a suntan. I felt nervous telling our families what our plans were but was surprised at the reaction. 'Good for you...' from my parents 'you've inspired us to go next year' from the parents in law. We broke the cycle of 'must do's' and created the idea of 'I want...' If we all do this, we will begin to live the life we truly want rather than the one we 'should be' living.

Understanding and coping with change

Change throughout life is inevitable, yet we still seem unprepared when it happens to us. Maybe that is the key; change happening to us rather than something we have instigated ourselves.

For example, if we have planned to have a family and we get pregnant and then have a baby we are more or less ready for this by the time it happens. Mother nature kindly gave us 9 months to get our head round the idea even if it were a surprise conception. However, if we walk into work on a Monday morning to be told we are no longer needed, this is a blow. Even with the economic market the way it is, we are still unprepared for something of this magnitude.

It is important to follow our personal changes in life in order to cope with situations where change is out with our control. I have coached a client who was faced with redundancy and although this had been a potential risk factor for a number of months, it was too shocking to deal with alone when it happened. We worked together for a number of sessions and discovered the route of the problem was the inability to move forward due to a lack of awareness of what inspired her. She had no idea what she wanted to do. She knew the job she had been in was not right for her but it was ‘comfortable’ and she could get by doing it. Finally, having accepted the changes that had occurred to her over a number of years she was able to build up a new data of her values and beliefs in life. She almost rewrote who she was. This gave her the confidence to venture deeper and discover what she wanted to do. ‘If only I had kept track of who I was as I was changing, this would have been much easier and quicker’. She was right.

We get too caught up in living our lives that we rarely, if ever, stop to reflect. Reflection is a critical part of understanding who we are at any given time. It is easy for us to avoid this, especially in a society where the media are so geared up to tell us what we think. Someone else is doing the hard part for us.

I worked with another client who was having difficulty with a friendship. This friendship had been a good one for years and they were struggling to understand why suddenly there was a huge rift between them. We documented the pattern of the friendship since it had begun. We catalogued important changes. On doing this, my client realised that they had been drifting apart for a number of years. They were now too far down the line to rectify the situation and they felt easier about ending the friendship. Had they met today, they would never have been friends. By understanding changes that happen as they happen, we have two choices. Do you want to alter something to keep the friendship together or are you happy to let the change take place with the possibility of drifting apart? This prevents the situation above where it becomes shocking that a friendship no longer works. We stop believing our friend is the person they were when we met them. We understand we too are different.

Change is always easier when it is something we have driven. We should however, be ready to cope with changes that happen to us. Take time each day or once a week to reflect on situations with friends and family, news stories and work issues. This way we will be more ready to accept as we will have confidence in our decisions.

Quote of the day

It's all knowing what to start with. If you start in the right place and follow all the steps, you will get to the right end.
Elizabeth Moon, The Speed of Dark, 2003

Why do we struggle to keep our new years resolutions?

I proudly told all my friends that I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since January the 1st. How great I felt, knowing they hadn't achieved what I had. Then almost as soon as it was out of my mouth, my gloating smile evaporated. I realised it was only the 14th. I hadn't even completed a full two weeks and that wasn't exactly a trauma. The biggest trauma was the fact I still had over two weeks to go. Yikes.

So, its possible that keeping new years resolutions is hard simply because January seems to be such a ridiculously long month. I keep checking my bank to see if I've been paid. I haven't as its nowhere near the end of the month yet. I seem to have been 'in' January forever.

I however, believe we can't stick to our resolutions for a number of other reasons. We rarely share what it is we have decided to do/change. If we have decided to do more exercise but have only decided in our head, then so what if we fail to achieve it? Nobody else will know. And what is 'more exercise'? It needs to be monitored, it needs to be specific. Something like 'by May I will be fit enough to run a half marathon' is more tangible. This way we can physically see if it has been a success - by actually running the marathon. We also need to make a public statement about it. I don't mean on the BBC news but by telling people what it is you are planning to achieve you are passing some of the responsibility onto them. People around you become interested and will ask 'how is training going?' and 'are you getting sponsers?' etc. These will help motivate you.

Think of it like a wedding. If you are 'going out with' someone, no matter how sad it would be if it came to an end, it would (most of the time) be a little easier than if you were married. You wouldn't have to go through the whole divorce process and being an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend can be a bit easier than an ex-wife/husband or divorcee. So, by standing in front of friends, family, witnesses and declaring you will do your utmost to be together forever, makes the commitment real. People have heard what you said so walking away just isn't as easy. There is more at stake to work for.

So, when making new years resolutions think:

* Tell someone what it is you plan to do, tell everyone.

* Choose the wording carefully, it should excite you when you say it rather than fill you with dread.

* Set a time limit to motivate you further. If you don't, there is no rush and it will never be achieved.

* Make sure it is measureable. What exactly will you have achieved?

* Have fun with it.
Good luck.

Who dares to be a selfish parent?

Becoming a parent requires so much care and attention, some may say you need to be totally selfless. Particularly for a first time parent, it is overwhelming and time consuming. Your child is in your every thought and your focus is 100% on them.

As you nurture your child through their early years, your own life often pales into insignificance. It isn't as important. You know what you are doing. What you do from day to day (whether at home or back at work) is a habit, you don't even need to think about it. Your child on the other hand needs help and encouragement in all areas of their life. So, this is what you do.

What happens though when your child begins to gain their own independence and you have a little more 'me' time? What if your first child is followed by another? Do you keep repeating the cycle of 24/7 devotion?

The fact of the matter is, you will always love your child and care for them as best you can. It doesn't mean you need to give up entirely on your own life. Parents deserve to give their lives some thought during this time too. It doesn't mean you are not being a good parent, quite the contrary. Becoming a parent inevitably changes you. Your values and priorities change. You begin looking at the world from different eyes almost. Change however, is the one thing people fear most. If we don't allow ourselves time to investigate and think through the changes that are happening to us, we will forever feel stuck in the body and mind of the 'you' that was. This can lead to frustration and anxiety.

It may be that parenting has consumed so much of your thoughts and time that by the time your child reaches 6/7, you have totally lost sight of who you are as a person. Remember, you are always a person with hopes and beliefs. Nobody is just 'mum' or 'dad'. Surely you want your child to be telling their friends that 'mum is part of a sailing crew' or 'my dad runs his own business' or whatever it is. This helps them realise the things they can achieve too, as well as seeing you as people.

It is important to find time to collect your thoughts. This may be to remind yourself of who you were before, who you are now and what you want to achieve in the future. There may be elements of the person you were that you wish to hold onto and some that are no longer relevant. Deciphering the person you have become can be tricky but by talking this through with someone can help give you clarity. Recording your achievments so far is a great way of encouraging you to make plans to achieve more. By verbalising your goals for the future, you are making a contract with yourself in front of a witness and therefore more likely to carry it through. There is no real pay off if plans in your head don't materialise as nobody else has heard them.Working with a Life Coach is a great way to help rediscover yourself and find a healthy work/life balance. It works because it gives you an hour a fortnight of uniterrupted time where you can talk through and make sense of your new life as a parent. It will inspire you to take action and make a plan for your immediate future and begin achieving in the area of your life you wish.

Working with a coach will motivate you and give you all the tools you need to complete the process again on your own, once you've discovered your next venture

Preparing for retirement?

They say that the 'only constant is change'. In life, we are definitely geared up for it. There are certain times in our life that we know, from a young age, that change will take place.

Take the transition from Primary to Secondary School. Not only are we warned by teachers and older brothers and sisters what will happen in the 'big school' but children are now given 2 whole days out of Primary School to go and experience it themselves, before they 'actually' move. They get to pretend, explore, meet teachers, find the canteen and get lost. So that when it comes to the first day of the new term after Summer, they feel prepared. Ready even.

What about leaving school? We know that we are going to have to make a decision that will impact our lives for a number of years. Throughout our school years we are advised that how we perform will make a difference. We are given careers advise to help steer us onto our chosen path. We are given prospectuses from Colleges and Universtities to study. In the hope that, when it is time – we are ready.

Having worked for a few years of our life, we may then decide to buy a house. So, we sit down with our bank manager or financial adviser and discuss money earned against outgoings. From this we learn how much we can afford and start our hunt for our first home. We spend a number of weeks looking and once we have made a decision we make an offer. Even once this is accepted, there is usually an 8 week period in which the solicitors have time to prepare the papers and we have time to buy furniture, think about colour schemes, generally get ready.

If you choose to bring children into the world, you may or may not prepare for this beforehand. If you do, you will most likely look at money, where you live, nearby schools, begin taking folic acid and cut out smoking and heavy drinking. But even if pregnancy comes as a surprise, Mother Nature still gives you 9 months to get your head round the idea and be ready for the arrival of your child.

What I can't understand is why these approaches aren't used for retirement, which is possibly one of the biggest changes in someone's life. Is it because we 'don't have time' and we plan to deal with it when its upon us. Or is it because we don't want to presume we will still be around for it? It seems odd because all we do throughout our working life is talk about what we will do and what it will be like when we retire. The problem is that we are not focussed on making plans and setting ourselves guidelines and goals for when it happens. Its more throw away comments we are making in general conversation that we are never going to remember when we reach 60/65. There should be more help for the retiring or retired.

Through research I have discovered that there are indeed classes offered but it would seem heavily focussed on the money side of things, pensions, savings etc. Although I appreciate this is important, surely we have worried about this all our lives and retirement is a time to relax. Shouldn't we be more focussed on our new identity? Looking at what purpose we have in life, what we are going to wear for the rest of our days and how we are going to fill our time?

As a life coach, I can see huge benefits in coaching clients who are reaching retirement age or those who are already retired. Life coaching is all about looking at who we are at that moment in time (as this changes throughout ones life) and setting realistic goals for what we want to achieve in the coming months. Each session we will discuss any arising concerns and action plan how to combat them. By the end of the course, clients should feel confident and excited about their future and will have already implemented positive changes.

One client came to me a year into her retirement. She had never heard of a life coach and had no idea what to expect. Her daughter had suggested it and she was that fed up with her new found 'freedom' she was ready to try anything. She (like most of us) had worked all her life and had expected retirement to be wonderful, relaxing and filled with hobbies and new found friends. Unfortunately, what she found was quite the opposite. She didn't know what to do with her time as she had never found much time for hobbies in her working life. She didn't want to join over 60's clubs because she felt too young. This had left her feeling lonely and worthless. After only a couple of sessions with her, she had expressed and interest in a number of activities she did many years ago. She also had a burning desire to learn something, get a qualification, as she had taken very little from her school years. By the third session, she had signed up to a number of classes, learning various skills and she had made a couple of new friends. It transpired that due to her being on her own (many of us may find this) her confidence levels were at an all time low. The prospect of trying out new things by herself was daunting but continuing as she was, was not an option. By looking at what would be if she simply stayed at home willing each day to end, was enough to push her into this new territory. Her confidence was boosted so much she ended up joining a local drama group! She also found the courage to discuss her issues around money. Her husband had always had conrol of their finances and now she was left fretting over how to deal them. She had burried her head in the sand for so long that her spending was out of conrol and she was too afraid to confront it. Together we worked on a number of strategies she felt able to deal with and eventually she felt empowered enough to take charge. By the end of the sessions she was heavily involved in a number of classes , activities and training schemes. She felt confident and excited by her future and had booked a holiday with a friend for the first time in her life.

She left me saying 'I feel so selfish but its great. This is my time and I don't want to waste a second of it.'

Quote of the day

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.
Joseph Chilton Pearce

No Limits

Yesterday I said to my husband when trying to empathise about how tough his job is, 'I could never do your job'. But then I got to thinking about something I had just read earlier that day .

It was an interview with an actress and she was talking about always being up for trying new things and to do one thing for the rest of her life would make her feel limited.

So, I had a little think about limits and what that actually means. I thought about what I had said to my husband. In fact, I had no idea if I could do his job or not. I had just presumed I couldn't. Without ever actually trying it out, I couldn't say for definate yet I was already putting limitations on it.

We do this all the time; creating limits for ourselves that don't exist. We can only truly experience what we are capable of when we push ourselves into the fear zone and out of our comfort zone. It is here that we will learn what we can and can't do.

You can only know your true limits when you have truly tried to accomplish something.

Beat the credit crunch

I've been thinking about the credit crunch and how it must be effecting us all; those with property, those without and those who can't seem to go to the pub without becoming involved in a conversation regarding what a dire situation we are all in.

I have been one of those people who have complained to anyone who would listen. But conversation soon becomes rather dull with everyone trying to outdo the next with how the credit crunch is effecting them more than anyone else in the world. There is no doubt about it, the situation is not a good one. There are people in terrible situations having to sell houses they can no longer afford and to top it all off, costs of everything else are now rocketing also. So, we can't buy all the expensive food we enjoy, we can't dine out as much as we used to and we certainly can't be taking the odd road trip as sponterniously as we once did. So, what can we do?

I think these times will harden us as people. We will no longer expect things on a plate. Hopefully by the end of it all we will have new values and ideas on the things that are really important in life. I have always thought we have become too greedy as a nation. I first came to think about this when travelling in Fiji. The Fijians are the happiest people I have ever come across. They delight in everything. It was a few days into my travels that I realised there were children running around with no shoes on and old, worn out clothes. This hit me like a brick wall. These people have very little material posessions yet they value their families and their friends with utmost regard. They are happy with life and what they have been dealt and a lesson we should learn from them at this time is to 'make do'.

We will survive. We just need to get smart. We need to get organised. We need to take the time to make cut backs where possible. Plan meals and write shopping lists, change broadband provider and check your car insurer is the cheapest. Make positive steps and note these so youfeel mentally positive too.

So, you can no longer invest in property and new mortgages with cheap interest rates. Why not invest in yourself? Take this time to take a step back from all that is money and really think about what it is YOU want to do. Small things that will make you smile.

Personally, I am about to audition for a local musicals society. Something I used to do as a youngster but something that still haunts a very small area in the back of my mind. I realise that as an adult, I could go along and cringe at what is being asked of me and hate every moment of it. But surely its just as likely that it may reigninte a spark in me? I am also taking steps to get fitter and healthier, shed a few pounds. So, when this credit crunch is finally over and everyone begins coming out of their gloom, I will be dancing along with my new found singing voice and looking great.

So the next time you find yourself about to have a good old moan about the state of affairs, stop, take stock of who you're with and break the routine. Make a commitment right there to do something fun and new with that person. And if we all commit to doing this? We might just end the doom and gloom....

Quote of the day

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. - Jonathan Winters

Less is more

Ever heard that expression and wandered what it really meant, or simply struggled to believe it? Me too.

I have always been someone who 'gets stuff done'. No matter what it is; work related, bill paying, housework or social. When something needs done, I do it and I do it pretty sharpesh. This stops things building up and causing stress. And I am probably the best list writer you can find. I have books just for writing lists in. I take them everywhere and write them for everything. Without some outline of what I am meant to be achieving, I am a bit lost. So, the more I list, the more I achieve.

During life coaching sessions, the client will create some home actions for themselves in order to get them closer to their goal. When I was being coached, I thought up huge long and wonderful lists that I wished to achieve. My coach would ask me to choose just four from the list. I felt a bit cheated. Surely if I felt like I could achieve everything, it was valid. But remembering my goal 'thick crunchy peanut butter' was about not spreading myself too thinly, these huge lists would only leave me daunted, she felt. And right enough when I looked back to the start of my day when I had an entirely unticked list, I felt pressured not to waste a moment of time. So I set about doing everything and I appreciated nothing.

By only having a small number of things on my list, I began feeling more relaxed each day. 'Well' I would think 'not a great deal to contend with today'. And almost miraculously, I began achieving more than I ever had before. I began appreciating all those things that just happen sponteniously. I had been living in this rigid world of 'if its not on the list...' and had lost track of those moments that you have no control over but you wish you could recreate every day.

It was then that I started appreciating that less really can be more.

Quote of the day

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. - Shira Tehrani

Is independance a good thing?

I love reading. It really helps me to place my thoughts, feelings and desires about life. Generally, I will either agree or disagree with what I'm reading which is great as this cements my thoughts and gives me a greater confidence to air them. Because I am so reflective on what I'm reading and thinking, I feel I am getting to know myself better everyday. That's why this blog is so good for me. It forces me to think about something/anything at least twice a week. You should try it. Buy a book, not just a rubbish throw away jotter (that made me giggle writing 'jotter') but a book you have taken time to chose, one you really like and want to reach for regularly. Force yourself to write some thoughts, your thoughts, at least once a week. I'm sure you'll be amazed at how this makes you feel. I truly believe that thoughts are not just for thinking. Too much stuff goes on in our head to make any real sense of the individual things. Getting it out on paper (or voacally through Life Coaching) really helps to make some kind of sense to them.

Anyway, that was not my purpose for this entry. I wanted to question the notion of independance. I have always taken great pride in the fact that I'm fiercely independant. As a Leo, I love the word 'fierce', it has a real bite to it. That's why I love 'lust for life' as my business title. It's not just about doing things and getting by but its about throwing yourself at full pelt at whatever your concentrating on and giving it your all! I don't believe its good enough to just live, I want to be alive. I want true vibrancy and all the colours/sounds/smells it has to offer.

And independance? That's me; in complete control of making my own money, fabulous at spending it, can stand up for myself in an argument, could probably call a plumber if needed and ready to accomplish everything and anything by myself. This surely is the best, the only way to be in life.

If I weren't independant then I would be dependant and that would mean I haven't progressed at all. However, I have become aware of a third option - interdependance. This trendy new term was passed to me during a discussion with my life coach. We were working on the issue of my diary and how it had complete control over me. I had a million things going on in my head and even more things I needed to sort out to get my business up and running. Doing what I usually do, I had only ever imagined I would do everything for myself. Think what an achievment it would be to tell people I had done it all on my own. How rewarded would I feel when all my hard work had paid off? But at that precise moment I was in blind panick.

I began meeting regularly with a good friend of mine who was also setting up her business. We threw around ideas and gradually I began to use them. This consisted of templates to websites, music downloads and images that could be used. Her husband is very good at graphic design so I began asking him to help put together some marketing materials. My husband is involved in advertising so his thoughts on my strategies were greatly appreciated. I have recently been to a networking event and am considering ideas from those in other fields also. There is a wealth of knowledge and expertise out there that I have only just discovered. My independant attitude would never have allowed any of this information to filter through before. Now, I have a website that is quite different to my competitors and one that I can still be proud of, flyers and business cards that will really get people's interest and some marketing strategies that are cost effective whilst still being effective.

I have altered my thinking completely. If someone else can do it better (and quicker) and is offering their services to me, I go for it! Why would I waste my time trying to tackle something I have no expertise in to produce something only half as good as it could be? Its all very well to be able to stand alone but to truly excell we must join expertise and we can produce amazing results. This is interdependance.

Quote of the day

Blaise Pascal:
We must learn our limits. We are all something, but none of us are everything.

Nobody said it was gonna be easy

I've been having a think about the world we live in at the moment and how easy everything is becoming for us. We no longer need to actually 'talk' to our friends and family when we can text and email them instead. We don't ever have to visit anyone, now that we have access to Skype and webcams. And should we decide to partake in none of the above, we can still be clued up as to what people around us are up to with the likes of Facebook and Bebo. Video shops are a thing of the past with Lovefilm and Blockbuster offering a delivery service and there are takeaways of every variety on every street corner, should we choose never to cook for ourselves again. More people than ever are hiring cleaners due to a lack of time. Tesco and Sainsburys have never been so busy, bagging up and delivering other people's groceries. Birthdays? Christmas? No problem, not with websites such as play.com and findmeagift.co.uk

This is the society we live in. There is barely anything that other people or computers won't do for us. But I'm not convinced this is a good thing. Apart from the obvious things such as obesity increasing and children's communication skills decreasing, I'm more worried about how we can achieve our future goals with the ethos of; get online and it'll be done and dusted in 5 minutes.

It is crucial that we develop in a logical, step by step manner. Think of a baby who learns to roll, sit up, kneel, crawl, stand, walk then run. It is not possible for the baby to miss any of these steps. We've all heard the expression 'don't run before you can walk'. I think it should be 'you can't run before you can walk'. This is also the case in adult development. We cannot make shortcuts when goal setting. We must look at everything that needs to be achieved and then do so bit by bit. This helps us be confident with who we are and what we are doing.

By not following a natural development pattern, we are not educated enough to achieve what we have set out to and so destined to fail. To fill the gap, we quite often just fake a role of someone who knows what they are doing. If we pretend to be someone we are not, we become pressured and eventually are found out. This then effects our self esteem. We begin to believe we cannot do anything as we have tried and failed in the past. Our problem being, is that we have not taken all the steps to get to where we want to be. We have tried to get there too fast and so missed key learnings along the way. It doesn't work because it can't.

We learn from the questions we ask. Make sure you are questionning others and drinking in their knowledge. Ask yourself questions about your own knowledge or explore who you truly are. Imagine, you are 16 and in a maths exam. You don't know the answer to a number of questions and are likely therefore, not to pass. You look back on your journey and wander why you said nothing when the teacher asked if anyone had any questions. If only you had raised your concerns then. If only, when you were meant to be studying you didn't listen to your ipod instead. If only you had taken the time not to bypass the important stuff in the hope you could 'blag it'. You can't pass because it is impossible. The important steps to this success were missed out.

So, the world of ease we have created for ourselves only makes the other stuff more challenging as we have lost the motivaton and drive to do the things we really want. Once we discover what these things are, we want it quick, easy and now. But remember, the things that have taken longest and required most effort to achieve are the most rewarding in the end. Don't be put off by past failures. Sit down, work out what it is you want and work on a realistic plan of attack. No shortcuts - you will only get lost and end up having to retrace your steps to where you started.

Habits and habitual behaviour

I've been doing a bit of reading about habits. Then I got to thinking whether all habits were neccessarily bad and I don't think they are. I do however, think that it is important for us to be aware of our habits. They may be having some impact on us and effecting our mental wellbeing.

I was reading an article in Psychologies magazine which said one way to confront habits is to change them. If you always sit on the same side of the bus going to work, sit on the other for a day. If you always go to the same sandwhich shop for lunch and get the same roll with the same filling, go somewhere else for something completely different for a day. These may seem small and trivial but think how bored these must be making us. The journey into work is anything but exciting; we know what we'll be looking at as we looked at it yesterday, we know who will be around us as they were probably sitting there yesterday too. Perhaps, just perhaps if we were to sit elsewhere our journey would become a fraction more interesting. We may notice a new shop we'd never seen before or see the sun rise as we're looking out onto an alternative landscape. We may be breaking someone else's habit by taking 'their' seat and therefore having a knock on effect with their journey. Imagine forcing yourself to find an alternative place to eat lunch and a different roll filling or maybe not even a roll at all. Lunchtime then becomes a bit of an activity and not as dull as it has become.

I tried this. The only habit I could think of was more of a routine. Every morning I run the shower then get my towel. By the time I get back to the shower the water is hot. I shampoo first then condition. Whilst the conditioner is on I wash my body. I shower off the soap and my conditioner then give my face a scrub. The end. I have showered with this routine for as long as I can remember. But its time effective, you may say. And you would be right. But I don't even need to think about what I'm doing so I quite often leave the shower and I still haven't quite woken up. I decided to change this for a morning. I brought my towel to the shower and waited there for it to heat. On getting in, I washed my body. Then I shampood. Then I drew a complete blank and was standing in the shower looking at all the bottles trying to think about what I still needed to do. After five minutes of standing confused, this became so ridiculous I burst out laughing. I decided just to get out. The difference from the day before was that I was now fully alert as I had really had to use a bit of brain power, I was in a great mood and my face was still dirty. A minor success.

The article then went on to tell us about a women who decided to have an 'independant day'. This meant she only did things for herself unlike her usual running around for others and making cups of tea for everyone. She found this very difficult and did not like it at all. This was a habit that she enjoyed in herself. She did however, have more time on her hands and so will consider her actions in the future to give her a better balance. This highlights that sometimes we do things that are important to us but don't realise until we stop.

All of these are minor things but fun none the less. Try changing something you do everyday. It may just give you that skip in your step you've been missing for a while. Then, challenge the bigger things. And remember, habits are not always bad.

'We are what we repeatedly do. Sucess, therefore is not an act, it is a habit. ' Aristotle

Practice what i preach

As a life coach, it is essential that I practice what I preach. Who wants to work with a coach who hasn't got the guts to go for things in life that frighten her? That's right, nobody.So, when my photographer friends began telling me about a 'new thing' happening in photography I wanted to know more. After all, life coaching is relatively new also (in the Uk anyway). 'Its about brides trashing their wedding dresses after the wedding day' they said quite calm and matter of factly. I swallowed hard. 'How do you mean 'trash'?' I replied. 'You know, like getting it covered in mud or getting it soaked'. After further discussion, I was told that it didn't have to be entirely about wrecking the dress. It was more about shooting in locations that weren't appropriate or accessible the first time. Its about shooting in odd/funny locations. Its a much more fun and relaxed shooting and hey, its a second chance to wear an expensive dress. Great, I thought. I can't wait to see the pictures (of others doing it). It sounded like a cracking idea and really is right up my street.

Myself and Christina (one half of the business) were going to do it together. Or so we said. We talked about ideas and locations but it was all a bit pie in the sky really. I had just got my dress back from the dry cleaners, for goodness sake. And I loved my dress. It was precious. Sure, I had no idea what I was going to do with it but wreck it?

Then, my friends were contacted by the Daily record regarding these shots. They needed some photos for an article. Unfortunately, they needed a scottish bride and my friends had only shot down south. Willing volunteer you say? As I hid in my wardrobe pouring over pictures of me in my gown. It all happened so quickly after that. Before I knew it I was heading up to the Angus area to collect my pristine dress and discussing what lenghts I would go to. I had never been so nervous. I had to keep telling myself what I would tell clients about just going for it. It WAS something I wanted to do.

We started tamely; on hay bails, sitting in dirty tyres, on the bonnet of a landrover and swinging from a combine harvestor. Then we found a river. At first I was standing on some rocks, then sitting on a rock with my train hanging in the water, then standing in the water up to my knees. By the end, if my dress wasn't so flipping heavy I probably would have swam! But we finished the shoot with me lying in a shallow pool of water, totally soaked. It was the most random day I have ever had but I can't remember the last time I had that much fun! Cheers Jay and Christina (www.elementalweddings.co.uk)With this story, I urge you to face a fear and just go for it! You never know how much fun you could have.

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/entertainment-catch-all/2008/07/08/what-s-your-wedding-dress-doing-86908-20635762/

My own Life coaching journey

As part of my life coach training, I was to be 'life coached'. This made sense, as how could I possibly coach others if I had no first hand experience myself? I was expecting it to be good and insightful as far as watching a life coach journey unfold. However, I also felt my life wasn't too bad. Sure there was room for improvement but I would have got round to sorting that eventually.

The first session is always an exciting one for me, as a coach. It is a completely open forum to discuss all that is good, bad and ugly. From which some exciting goals arise. As a coachee, it was a very different experience but equally as inspiring. I feel like I talk too much sometimes. So, what else was there left to say? But through focussed discussion and tools in place which kept me on specific topics, I found myself saying things I didn't realise I had felt. My coach was completely non judgmental which helped me be completely honest. And by the close, my goal was 'thick, crunchy peanut butter'. I was thrilled. I can see you raise an eyebrow? Is that all you wanted? - you say. If so, why did you not simply go down to your local supermarket and purchase said item? I know how it sounds but it was the essence of what the peanut butter meant that I wanted to achieve.

To explain; my husband had previously said to me I was spreading myself too thinly (like marmite which I coinsidentaly hate). I was rushing around at 120mph doing everything I thought I wanted/needed to do but seeing nothing along the way. I was opting into all sorts of things with work and social matters. I was never enjoying the here and now as my brain was always a step ahead - 'after this I'll need to get on this bus' and 'I'd better leave here early to have enough time to make a special dinner for our visitors later' etc. I had no time to relax, reflect and recharge. My energy was getting used up on all the wrong things and leaving me exhausted for the things I needed most energy for. It was crazy and I hadn't even realised. I wanted that thickly spread peanut butter. I wanted to be self indulgent. I wanted to take time eating the toast covered in the peanut butter and I wanted the lasting energy it provided. It also had to be of the crunchy variety as I get bored easily and still needed that added excitement.

Through coaching, I learned that taking time for me wasn't wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. Yes its self indulgent but that needn't be a bad thing. I NEEDED this time so I could recharge my batteries and reflect on the week and how I dealt with situations so I could alter my actions for the better. I began to book in for massages and facials on a regular basis. I have started going to pilates classes. I spend time on my own just thinking. Reflection is an essential part of living yet most of us don't do it. How can we know who we are or what we want if we don't consider what has happened previously to us and how we dealt with it?

I also took charge of my diary which up until this point was a cause of distress to me. I would open my diary and see scribbles and appointments and social events all over every page. This just caused anxiety. It looked as though I had no free time and I would panic. Simply home actions such as using different coloured pens for work and social events made a big difference. I got to the stage where I felt like I was in control.

I learned to accept that my current work was not good for me and I left - a huge achievment! I then put all my energy into setting up on my own. I had so much more energy then for what I wanted. I have achieved a great balance between my own time and the time I give to others and I am fully in the moment now when I meet people.

By the end of the coaching process I had achieved all I had set out to achieve and more. I was ready to take the next big thing on board and start the process all over again!I truly believe everyone can get something out of life coaching - even coaches themselves. I know the process of coaching but it is fascinating to have someone who doesn't know you at all and won't judge what you say, listen to your words and objectively point out things you just cant see in yourself.

I hope this has inspired you to try it out for yourself. Go on, you know you want to!