Banishing those wedding blues

Wedding blues? What can you possibly mean, Kelly? Surely getting married is one of the greatest times of your life. How can you be feeling anything but joy over it? If you are asking these questions right now, you are either not married or have long since forgotten the period immediately after your wedding day. It is not the wedding or marriage you are feeling blue about it is the space, the hiatus that happens in the follow weeks.

But why is this and what can you do about it?

Preparing for a wedding can be one of the most intense and stressful periods of someone's life. Trying to cater to everyone's needs, making sure those who need to be involved are and those who shouldn't are not and making hundreds of decisions about things you know nothing about. The longer the engagement the worse it can be as it consumes your every thought for such a large part of your life. Things start getting put off until 'after the wedding'. Hobbies, friends and family can be pushed into the background without you even being aware of it at the time.

I remember thinking I was rather chilled out during our wedding preparations. I probably was in comparison to some and we had a short engagement. But 8 months was long enough for what I could handle. And looking back, I can see that I had turned into someone I barely recognise now. I was snapping at those who care about me most, the wedding was called off at least twice due to stress and we handled some aspects uncharacteristically poorly. This was not the glorious time I first thought. But I had become so used to the way I was during this time that I began to view it as the norm.

I got to the stage where everything I wanted to do was going to happen 'once the wedding was over'. It was as if the wedding had become this dreadful thing that was becoming some kind of hindrance to life itself. I was exhausted and desperate for our honeymoon. However, the first day there, I was left feeling some kind of obscure grief. I didn't want to talk about it as it felt ridiculous. How dare I feel like this when I had just had the most amazing day and was on my honeymoon! But I couldn't shake the feeling no matter what I told myself. It got a little worse as we returned to our flat. I felt agitated, restless... at a loose end. That's when I hit the nail on the head. I had been living this life of 'someone who was getting married' and lost sight of who I was without the wedding. So, inevitably when the wedding was over I was lost. What was I supposed to do with my evenings now? And weekends were empty without the need to go to the venue for those final preparations. What did I used to do?

So, how can this be prevented? I think in the first instance it is important to be aware of this wedding blues notion if you are going through this process. It is very common. Secondly, should you experience it you should be open about it rather than being embarrassed or ashamed of it. There is logic behind what is happening. Finally, if you can take steps throughout the build up to the wedding to make things easier 'at the other side' then do. Try to have evenings with friends where you don't talk about the wedding. Prep them beforehand as they will ask otherwise. This way the conversation can be about your other friends and you can keep on track with their lives. A major factor in the aftermath of a wedding is the realisation you have no idea what your friends are up to and what their concerns are. It can then feel awkward getting involved as you don't want to portray the 'now my wedding is over we can be mates again'. Make sure you continue at least one of your hobbies or interests. This can be difficult as planning a wedding is time consuming. However, the big problem with stopping everything is getting started again. We all know its easy to get to the gym when we're already going twice a week but once a week or two has gone by without going, it gets harder to muster up the motivation. Try to continue having dates with your husband/wife to be that don't involve wedding stuff. Otherwise you will have this sense that your relationship has changed. You may panic about things not being fun anymore. So, keep things fun by going somewhere new or doing something different. Keep it fresh.

And try to enjoy the process as much as you can. Assign someone you trust to keep you grounded. Make a contract with them that allows them to tell you how you are truly behaving. They should help you become aware if the stress is overpowering the pleasure and it is their responsibility to remind you why you are doing what you are doing. Put messages around your house that make you smile and remind you how excited you are about your wedding as well as reminders of who you are without the wedding.

Think of another project to get your teeth stuck into once the big day is done. Preparing for a wedding is a huge project. I knew nothing about how to plan for one so most of my time was poured into researching what I needed to consider, who I needed to contact and when. It is a massive learning curve and takes up lots of energy. So, it is vital that the energy created is transferred to the next big thing. It can be anything from learning a new language to making a business plan. Be creative. It needs to be something that excites you as much as the wedding day did when you got engaged.

Take care of yourself during this time and make sure you are aware of these issues if you have people around you going through this process. Be sensitive to their needs and help them/yourself begin your marriage with a positive mental attitude.

Being married is amazing, lets keep it that way!